In case you haven’t seen the original body of art this play is based off of, please indulge yourself here.

What The Heck I Gotta Do

[NARRATOR]
The plan was called Operation C++. And one of the schools included in the plan was Leland Wilkinson Community College, where a kid named Justin La’Tex—

[JUSTIN]
That’s me

[NARRATOR]
—a 20-year-old Dean’s List student—

[JUSTIN]
I get straight A’s, man

[NARRATOR]
—was in the second semester of his final year. Justin could hardly believe his luck when a very enthusiastic Kiwi wearing a bowtie showed up

[JUSTIN]
It’s Chadleyyyyyy!

[NARRATOR]
In not one but two of his classes

[STUDENTS]
It’s Chadleyyyyyy!

[NARRATOR]
He sat in front of him. He switched seats

[STUDENTS]
It’s Chadleyyyyyy!

[NARRATOR]
The full name he used was—

[STUDENTS]
Chadley Pickhaaammm!

[NARRATOR]
Justin, what drew you to Chadley initially?

[JUSTIN]
Man, he used to make these charts in class
He was a light-skinneded charismatic-New Zealander—
Short hair, mature with the bowtie like whoa

[STUDENTS]
Like, whoa

[JUSTIN]
That’s not the only reason I liked him, though
He said he moved with his partner to Texas from Auckland

[STUDENTS]
Where R was made!

[JUSTIN]
His code was fly. So I said, hi
He seemed to abhor loops made of for

[STUDENTS]
for, for, for!

[JUSTIN]
And I was like, what the heck I gotta do to tidy() you?

[STUDENTS]
What the heck I gotta do?

[JUSTIN]
What the heck I gotta do to wrangle you?

[STUDENTS]
What the heck I gotta do?

[JUSTIN]
What function do I need for this to plot for me?

[NARRATOR]
You told him all this in class?

[JUSTIN]
Yeah. Well, I messaged him! Y’know, I was like, what the heck I gotta do to tidy() you?

[STUDENTS]
filter() group_by() mutate()!

[JUSTIN]
What the heck I gotta do to wrangle you?

[STUDENTS]
melt() dcast() lapply()!

[JUSTIN]
What function do I need for this to plot for me?

[CHADLEY]
ggplot()

[JUSTIN]
Yes! Next thing you know, we’re coding day and night. I trust him right away.

[STUDENTS]
Like, whoa!

[JUSTIN]
Hey, yo. I never met anyone like him, bro. Yo, he listens to all my problems. I let him tidy() all my data. And then I lay it all on the line. And he was like—

[STUDENTS]
No, no—

[JUSTIN]
No! He didn’t say no exactly. I don’t know

[STUDENTS]
No, no, no, no!

[JUSTIN]
Yeah, I was surprised. I’m a pretty great guy

[STUDENTS]
So? So?

[JUSTIN]
So, I decided I needed to step my game up

[STUDENTS]
Oh, oh, oh, oh

[JUSTIN]
It’s too late to be shy. And so I got in front of the whole class one day, and sang to him. I was like, what the heck I gotta do to code with you?

[STUDENTS]
What the heck I gotta do?

[JUSTIN]
What the heck I gotta do to plot with you?

[STUDENTS]
What the heck I gotta do?

[JUSTIN]
Who do I have to be for you to make a package for me!

[NARRATOR]
You asked him to write a package?

[JUSTIN]
Yeah! I danced and everything

[STUDENTS]
Oh Chadleeeyyy!

[JUSTIN]
Oh Chadley! I know there’s a reason you make tibbles for me

[STUDENTS]
Oh Chadley!

[STUDENTS]
Oh Chadley! I know there’s a reason this isn’t base, it’s super tidy!

[STUDENTS]
Oh Chadley!

[JUSTIN]
Oh Chadley! You know me! Will you make a package for me!

[CHADLEY]
I’ll think about it

[STUDENTS]
He’ll think about it. He’ll think about it. He’ll think about it. He’ll think about

[JUSTIN]
He said he’d think about it

[STUDENTS]
He’ll think about it

[JUSTIN]
He’ll think about it

[STUDENTS]
Think about it

[JUSTIN]
He’ll think about it

[STUDENTS]
He’ll think about it. He’ll think about it

[JUSTIN]
Yes!

One Line

[CHADLEY]
I didn’t say yes. I didn’t say I’ll think about it. I can’t tell my real name, but I can confirm that I was asked to make a package for a student.

[NARRATOR]
Chadley Pickham was 35 years old and a new recruit at the Houston Tidyverse Academy.

[CHADLEY]
My assignment: to pose as a student and find out who’s writing, who’s coding. Mostly Java and C, you would not believe how easy it is to code in Java and C.

[NARRATOR]
What’s the hardest part?

[CHADLEY]
Pssh—the library. Imagine hundreds of students pushing and pulling full speed. And the lack of style guides. Let’s just say I would bake at the end of the day. Seriously, these kids need to learn there are consequences in life. If I’m doing my job and I’m doing it right, I am making code cleaner one line at a time.

[NARRATOR]
So he asked you to write a package?

[CHADLEY]
Right. I gave every excuse. I said it’s too derivative, which is totally true, by the way. I told him, look, I’m just learning American History, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing all that work. And it’s true you make friends on the job, then it ends. You meet kids who are sensitive, smart, and defenseless. Those are the ones you remember, the ones that you think about after you’re gone.

Seriously, these kids need to learn there are consequences in life. If I’m doing my job and I’m doing it right, I am making code cleaning one line at a time.

[NARRATOR]
Meanwhile—

[JUSTIN]
What the heck I gotta do to tidy() you?

[STUDENTS]
What the heck I gotta do?

[JUSTIN]
Tell me who I gotta be for you to code with me

[CHADLEY]
Do you set?

[JUSTIN]
What?

[CHADLEY]
Do you setwd()?

[JUSTIN]
No, I don’t. But if that’s what you need, I can do that for you. I can set the directory.

[CHADLEY]
You would set that for me?

[JUSTIN]
I can be your guy. Oh, yes!

[CHADLEY]
Seriously, these kids need to learn there are consequences in life

[JUSTIN]
I’ll set whatever you need!

[CHADLEY]
If I’m doing my job and I’m doing it right, I am making code cleaner one line at a time.

[NARRATOR]
What are you thinking as you’re trying to get this directory to set for him?

[JUSTIN]
I’m thinking, what the heck am I doing? Cause I don’t set directories like that.

[NARRATOR]
So what did you do?

Folder

[JUSTIN]
I set a path to a folder in another folder of a subfolder to another drive, which set a path to a couple dozen folders until it became live.

[FOLDER 1]
My folder Justin’s looking for a little something-something for a certain someone, some boy he wants to be packaging

[FOLDERS]
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something

[FOLDER 2]
We were just discussing our folder of Justin. Wasn’t Justin’s folder the folder that downloaded that virus, that got all the other folders buzzin’?

[FOLDER 3]
Are we close to our folder of Justin? Are we supposed to trust him?

[FOLDER 1]
Are we thugs to our folder of Justin? We don’t set absolute paths, man

[FOLDERS]
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something

[CHADLEY]
Did you set it yet?

[JUSTIN]
No, I’m about to set it

[CHADLEY]
Is your directory open?

[JUSTIN]
I got you, Chad. Don’t sweat it

[CHADLEY]
Let me know when you set it

[JUSTIN]
As soon as I can

[CHADLEY]
I’ll find a way to repay you, Justin

[JUSTIN]
Oh, man!

[FOLDER 2]
Yo, what is up with this fussin’? This isn’t up for discussion. This is our folder coming to us. He’s our drive, and we love him

[FOLDER 3]
Ah, look at Justin. He blushing

[FOLDER 2]
Our little Justin is crushing

[FOLDER 3]
Sorry for rushing to judgement

[FOLDER 1]
Why should we open this path?

[JUSTIN]
GitHub!

[FOLDERS]
What?

[JUSTIN]
Only if you believe in GitHub. GitHub!

[FOLDERS]
GitHub! GitHub! Only if you believe in GitHub

[FOLDER 2]
Get him the path

[JUSTIN]
I write my path in twenty-five characters, I’m sweating buckets. My folder shows some little file icons. I set it for you

[CHADLEY]
😍 Cool

[JUSTIN]
You want that code now?

[CHADLEY]
See you at school

[FOLDERS]
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something


[JUSTIN]
GitHuuuuub!

[JUSTIN]
Only if you believe in GitHuuuuub!


[FOLDERS]
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something
Everybody’s got a folder that can hook them up with something.

The Money

[NARRATOR]
The next day, Justin brought a flash drive of R files to school for Chadley

[JUSTIN]
And I was like, oh my god, I’m actually gonna do this. So we was in class, and I sat down right next to him. And he was like—

[CHADLEY]
Justin, do you have it?

[JUSTIN]
Yeah, I do. And I was like, you know what? We’re going to wait for a few. Because I didn’t want to be like, oh hey, and just slide it in his hand or whatever. So we waited

Wood blocks tick-tocking

[JUSTIN]
And he was like—

[CHADLEY]
Okay, put it in my laptop

[JUSTIN]
So I slid it right in there. And then he was like—

[CHADLEY]
Okay, here. Take the money. Justin, take the money.

[JUSTIN]
I don’t want your money.
I wrote this code for you. Keep your money.
There’s nothing I won’t do for you. I’ll come through for you every time—just in time


[CHADLEY]
Justin, listen
Please, just take the money

You’re making me feel guilty. Take the money

You really did come through for me

There’s only one last thing you need to do for me
Take the money
Take the money
Take the money

The teacher’s coming
Take this money, Justin

We aren’t done. Please take this money, Justin

Take the money

Take the money.
Take this money, Justin.


[JUSTIN]
Chadley, I know there’s a reason you were transferred here to me

Chadley, I know there’s a reason. This isn’t luck, it’s destiny

Chadley

You know me I will be there
just in time
Every time
Anytime

I don’t want your money

I wrote this code for you

Keep your money

There’s nothing I won’t do for you.
I’ll come through for you

Every time

Anytime

Just in time.


[STUDENTS]











Chadley


Chadley


Chadley


Chadley

Epilogue

[NARRATOR]
Justin would later find out it’s bad practice to write absolute paths. And the penalty is even harsher for selling them to other students. In other words, Justin had made an irreversibly bad decision. And since he was over 18, he was legally an adult when he made it

[CHADLEY]
Seriously, these kids need to learn there are consequences in life. I am doing my job. I am doing it right. I am making code cleaner one line at a time.

[NARRATOR]
In May, the coding academy detained 31 students at several colleges. Justin was one of them

[SIRENS]

[TIDYVERSE OFFICER]
Freeze! You have the right to remain silent()

[STUDENTS]
Everybody who sold code to undercover cops is busted
Everybody who sold code to undercover cops is busted
Everybody who sold code to undercover cops is busted
Everybody who sold code to undercover cops is busted

[NARRATOR]
He spent a week in tidyverse bootcamp wondering what would happen next

[STUDENTS]
It’s your word against his. GitHub has every text. GitHub has every text. GitHub has every text. “Don’t worry, Chad. I got the stuff, I got you.”

[NARRATOR]
He knew he’d lose on StackOverflow. He had to take a plea

[JUSTIN]
Two-years master’s decree. I got enrolled for a new degree.

[STUDENTS]
What? A degree? Messy code is a master’s decree? What? Justin, say goodbye to SAS they got you.

[CHADLEY]
These kids need to wake up. I don’t want to go too much into it, but code hits really close to work for me. I saw the effects growing up of messy code, and broken links, and proprietary software.

[NARRATOR]
With coworkers?

[CHADLEY]
Yes. I’ve seen what it can do to data science. That’s all I want to say about it

[NARRATOR]
Do you wish someone like you had done this type of work?

[CHADLEY]
Yes. And I hope someone like me keeps doing it. Still, there are kids you remember, the ones that you’ll think about after you’re gone

[NARRATOR]
During the week he spent in bootcamp, Justin couldn’t help but think about Chadley

[JUSTIN]
He was a light-skinneded, charismatic New Zealander, short hair, mature with the bowtie like whoa. That’s not the only reason I liked him, though.

Yo, if it had been a professor that came up to me asking me for absolute paths, I would’ve been like, “No, get out of my face.” I don’t code stuff like that. It’s cause it was him

[NARRATOR]
Have you talked to him since all of this happened?

[JUSTIN]
No. I would love to. I would love to have that conversation

[NARRATOR]
What do you think you would say?

[JUSTIN]
I would say, what the heck did you do? What the heck did you do? Chadley? What the heck did you do?





 

Compiled in R with RMarkdown and Github Pages.
Copyright © Harrison Goldspiel.

hbgoldspiel@gmail.com